She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
