so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
