Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
