i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Naked Twister starts at high noon
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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