Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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