you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
How external is "for external use only"?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
