I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
