She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
