she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
