He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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