Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
