if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize