the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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