the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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