i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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