So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
