just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
