If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
