got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
