I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
