I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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