I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
you made out with another girl for some wings
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
