I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
