let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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