JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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