I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
sarcasm needs its own font
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
