why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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