can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
