What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
