He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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