guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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