she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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