marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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