i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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