remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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