Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
