Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
