I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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