Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
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