I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
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