Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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