Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
