the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
