I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
