i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
And then he peed in my hair
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