I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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