I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
