Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
