he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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