He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
