So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
