Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
