I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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