the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
