I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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