you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
