1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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