one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
