i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
